Absence

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It’s been almost eight months since my last post. Explaining why I left so abruptly is difficult to do, but in a nutshell: life’s thrown a dozen curveballs my way and I’m not always the best batter.

Some things are going downhill, some up, some nowhere. Of the more recent things: Death has been hanging about my family for some time now, and last month I cried – really, truly cried – for the first time in years because for only the second time in my life, I watched my father break down. He’s still depressed, and might not be better anytime soon. Three days ago I was invited to an interview at the University of Cambridge, making me the first person in my family to ever get that far academically. Today, I realised along with my mother that my 15-year-old sister will need psychiatric help to get over a traumatic childhood event.

It’s pretty touch-and-go.

I doubt that many people are still reading this blog, but writing about these things is therapeutic to me. I’ve forced myself back, firstly, because this site is the voice I do not have. And secondly, because I miss the daily inspiration, the daily humanity of others’ posts. I’m struggling with a state of mind I’ve avoided for a long time – a state where I’m straddling the line between total apathy and being overwhelmed. And right now, I’m determined not to fall into either.

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20 thoughts on “Absence

    1. dlaiden Post author

      Thank you John – I hadn’t even thought of the analogy that way. That I’m not alone is something I should know but often forget. And it’s extremely comforting to have it said by another. Thank you.

      Reply
  1. The Waiting

    I have missed you and wondered about your absence. I’m sorry to hear that things have been difficult. Do what you need to do to weather the storm. Above all, be kind to yourself. Much love.

    Reply
    1. dlaiden Post author

      Thanks for the kind words, Emily. I’ve missed you too, as well as little C. I’ll try, and I really do hope that continuing to blog will aid me as much as I feel that it will.

      Reply
  2. Les Petits Pas de Juls

    Don’t fall, hang on. Life is hard, but it’s all to make you stronger and find the will to go on. Easy to say, hard to do, I know. Your family needs you, you’re strong and have prooved it many times.
    how strange that I was also thinking of you recently and how long it had been since the last post.
    Stay with high spirits, they will lift you back up.
    Take care.
    Jul’

    Reply
    1. dlaiden Post author

      Thanks for the message, Juls. I suppose, maybe strangely, that I’ve never thought of myself as strong before. Or at least, I’ve never really believed it when it’s said to me. But you’re right, and I certainly need to start. I will do my very best both to stay in high spirits and to keep posting here.

      Reply
  3. Deri

    John is right. You have fans – we love what you do and we love your spirit that you reveal in your writing. I am so sorry that times are rough for you, wish I could give you a cuddle. Yes, soldier on if you can but don’t regret grieving, a good cry can be cathartic. Why not write about the things you respect in your Dad, share it with him (and maybe us).

    Reply
    1. dlaiden Post author

      It’s a strange and happy thought to realise that I do. Thanks Deri, the thought is very much appreciated. 🙂 It was very cathartic, and I honestly can’t even remember the last time I cried like that. I think I will write about my Dad one of these days, as I sometimes think I don’t give him enough credit.

      Reply
  4. Jonathan

    I’m so sorry to read of your tough times. I had been missing your eloquent, moving and insightful blog, and of course John and Deri are right. Welcome back and I hope you continue to be inspired and find the voice you do not have. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Reply
      1. dlaiden Post author

        Thanks for the prayers, thoughts and comments Jonathan. I do hope that I’ll be able to continue to voice my opinions as well, and that things will get better. From all of these comments, I feel extremely grateful and lucky to have found such a supportive community on WordPress.

        Reply
    1. dlaiden Post author

      And thank you for still reading, and commenting. I’m just really overwhelmed with all of these responses; I think you’re all right in that it really has confirmed that I don’t need to go through this alone.

      Reply
  5. pinappleflavouredpeople

    My heart jumped when I saw there was a new post on your blog. I’m so glad your back!
    Welcome back. Hopefully this blog become some sort of distraction from your troubles.
    I’m truly sorry to hear your life has been…trembling. But I’m overwhelmed you’re back 😀 Feared I’d never hear from you again.

    PS. If you need an ear (or an eye), you know how to reach me.

    Reply

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